ROBOT CHICKEN: Lord of the Rings, the Abridged Version
by TheInhibitor
Summary: The whole darn epic in two minutes or less.


LORD OF THE RINGS, ABRIDGED VERSION

EXT. MORDOR - DAY

It is a sunny day at the Black Gate, the entrance to Mordor. A UPS delivery truck DRIVES up to the Black Gate. A DELIVERYMAN exits the truck, walks up to the gate and KNOCKS on it.

An ORC opens the gate.

.

**DELIVERYMAN**

Package for Sauron of Mordor. Sign here.

.

Deliveryman hands Orc a pad to sign. Orc signs the pad, hands it back, and Deliveryman gives him a small package.

.

**DELIVERYMAN**

Have a nice day.

.

Deliveryman walks back to truck. Orc CLOSES gate.

Cut to INT. MORDOR CASTLE

In a dark, gothic office (complete with giant spiderwebs and a pool of molten lava), the eye of SAURON is at a desk, WHISTLING and reading a newspaper. Orc enters with the package.

.

**ORC**

_(matter-of-factly)_

Package from UPS.

.

Sauron turns from his desk to speak with Orc.

.

**SAURON**

Oh, yeah? What's in it?

.

**ORC**

_(looking at package label)_

Says it's Bieber CDs.

.

**SAURON**

_(surprised and irritated)_

Justin Bieber CDs? Who the hell would send me Justin Bieber CDs?!

.

**ORC**

_(looking at package label)_

Mmmm, says it's from your grandma.

.

**SAURON**

_(exasperated)_

Oh, for Melkor's sake —

.

**ORC**

Is it your birthday or something?

.

**SAURON**

No, not for another three months.

.

**ORC**

Then why's she sending you Bieber CDs?

.

**SAURON**

_(sighs)_

I don't know. She means well, she just doesn't know what I'm into anymore. She thinks I'm still a kid struggling to build his own music collection.

.

**ORC**

Seriously, who buys CDs anymore?

.

**SAURON**

I know, right? I mean, even if it was something good, I wouldn't get a hard copy.

.

**ORC**

Unless the album art was cool.

.

**SAURON**

But even then, I'd just buy the vinyl.

.

**ORC**

I know! You've got a great vinyl collection! Why not send you an LP?

.

**SAURON**

And that's the thing, see? She grew up with vinyl LPs, but she doesn't appreciate it. She doesn't get how the analog recordings are so much richer than digital.

.

**ORC**

_(shaking his head)_

It's a shame. And, I mean, Bieber?

.

**SAURON**

I know, she doesn't have a clue. She just goes with whatever's on "Entertainment Tonight". She thinks she's connecting with me, but she's really just demonstrating how much we've grown apart.

.

**ORC**

Yeah.

.

**SAURON**

I mean, I'm a grown man, now. I own my own home, I'm gradually reconquering Middle Earth — meanwhile, she's stuck on being a grandma. She hasn't learned how to change.

.

**ORC**

Tragic.

.

**SAURON**

Yeah, I know, it's really sad.

_(sighs)_

Still, she is my grandma, I guess I can't blame her.

.

**ORC**

Yeah, I guess —

_(pauses, then holds up package)_

So, what you want me to do with this?

.

**SAURON**

Ah, just chuck it in the lava.

.

Sauron turns to continue reading the paper.

.

**ORC**

Roger that.

.

Orc tosses the package into the molten lava. It SPLASHES, submerges, and disappears. Sauron suddenly begins to glow and VIBRATE violently. He quickly turns to look at the molten lava. Orc watches, puzzled.

.

**SAURON**

_(desperate)_

No! Wait!

.

Cut to INT. BILBO'S HOME

FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN, MERRY, and GANDALF are in the living room of a hobbit home in the Shire. Through the window, they all watch the spire of Sauron in the distance as it crumbles, teeters, and then EXPLODES.

Sam turns to look at the computer on the desk. He CLICKS on the mouse.

.

**SAM**

Yep, that was it. Website says it was just delivered.

.

**MERRY**

Thank God, we've seen the last of that pompous, vinyl-loving, pink-eyed weirdo! He bought up all the "Yes" albums!

.

**FRODO**

_(turning to Gandalf, disgusted)_

And to think you were going to make us fight orcs and trolls and giant spiders and wraiths!

.

**PIPPIN**

_(to Gandalf, disgusted)_

And have us talk to dwarves and walk lots of places!

_(points at Gandalf)_

You sadistic old man!

.

Gandalf shrugs his shoulders sheepishly.

Suddenly, BILBO enters the living room. He is disheveled and wild-eyed. Everybody turns to look at him.

.

**BILBO**

_(frantic)_

Where are my Justin Bieber CDs?! We must haves them! Where is the precious?!

.

**GANDALF**

See, I think he just has an addictive personality. He was the same way when we took Angry Birds off his phone!

.

End scene.


End file.
